Woolly Mutts

Yesterday I gave a guy ten bucks.

Yesterday a questionable man came into the store.  He spoke with the volunteer for a few minutes and then she came to ask me for help.  He was a youngish man with wisps of black hair and a sad little soul patch.  His coat was down filled (a few escaping feathers here and there) and powder blue.  He shook my hand and introduced himself as Kyle.  His shake was strong, his eyes met mine and were clear.  I could hear his stomach growling.

He explained that he had just been released from the hospital and showed me his bracelet.  Probably bogus.  I've heard this one before.  He pulled out an empty pill bottle and explained that he could not afford his medication.  Again, most likely untrue, but it was the best he had.  Could he borrow $9.  He was working.  He could pay it back next week.  He swore on his mother that it was not for drugs or alcohol.  I was grateful that I was not his mother. I am well aware that an addict will sell out any and all family members and the family dog for a hit or drink. 

I gave him ten dollars.  Please, I asked him, prove me right.  Use it well and pay it back.  Buy food.  If I knew nothing else true about this man, I knew he was hungry.  He thanked me.  Shook my hand again.  Praised me for being so kind.  Blessed my family and loved ones.   Left.   I sent light and protection behind him and went about my work.

The volunteer struggled with this.  She tried to be open, but she was convinced that he was lying and had just taken me for ten dollars.  We could not encourage this behavior.  What if he goes and tells his friends that we are suckers for a sob story? She was aware that I have sent others who came asking away with nothing.  Why him?

The answer is; I don't know. I've heard a lot of stories.  Bus fare, broken down cars, food for the baby, taxi to pick up a sick relative from the hospital (the hospital is close by so it often figures large in "I need money because" stories), job interview...I could go on and on and each one breaks my heart a little.  I cannot even begin to embrace a world where I have fallen to such a place that I must, for whatever reason, go and ask a stranger for money.   Still, I am more likely to send a person to a service provider...shelter, food pantry, etc. than give money.  I send light and pray that somehow their fortunes might turn. 

Kyle needed that money.  I don't know why I know that, but I do.  I hope he pays it back, but I won't think less of him if he doesn't.  I am at peace with it.  I hope he is as well.

Define and conquer

We are having one of the most lovely fall seasons that I can remember.  There have been no big storms to blow the changing leaves from the trees giving us more time to enjoy them.

And the sky....the sky has offered up sunsets and storm clouds that only come around at this time of the year. 

So, along with all this seasonal appreciation I've been fussing and stewing about my job.  As you may recall, about 3 months ago my boss had a meltdown (of which I am in a much better position to understand now that I'm doing her job) and left us with no notice.  There were all sorts of negative feelings and drama attached to that departure and when the dust had cleared there are now 3 of us doing her job.  I work Tues and Wed, Michelle Thurs and Fri, and Winniy Saturdays and off site sales. 

One would think that two days a week is a pretty cushy situation and in theory, it is.  However, it almost never is two days a week.  Sometimes it's 5 or 6, or 2 with a few meetings, or just 2 with my mind working 7.  It's that sort of job.  The face of it is a retail store, but the heart is a not-for-profit fair trade mission that fights to end poverty and makes peace a priority.  It's trying to keep our feet under us during an ugly economy where the siren song of Walmart's low (unethical) prices are nearly impossible to say no to.  Giving people a place to spend their hard earned dollars responsibly and in a way that will directly affect a person's life for the better is a privilege and a responsibility not to be taken lightly.  And there in lies my problem; I never take anything lightly.

As is my way, the stress of the job had me throwing emotion in all the wrong directions and being frustrated by things that are not my responsibility to be frustrated by.  All last week I had this nagging feeling like I wasn't the right person for this job.  It needs more of a people person; someone with more passion and energy.  Someone who is willing to live the job; or basically anyone that isn't me.  So much depends......and there it is.  So much depends on me.  What if I'm not enough?

So much depends

upon

a red wheel

barrow

glazed with rain

water

beside the white

chickens.

William Carlos Williams..  I love this poem.  I feel like that red wheel barrow.

Fear.  It was all about fear.  I'm afraid I can't do this job justice, afraid I'm going to so monumentally drop the ball that it will snowball into ruin.  I've never had a job with this kind of responsibility before...aside from being a mother, which I sort of rocked. :-) (I'm reasonably certain my kids will back me up on this.) 

And, once I actually named it as fear, I could let it go.

Maybe I'm not the best person for this job, but I'm what they've got right now and I'm going to give it my best shot.  I have a supportive board of directors and staff and I'm confident that if I trip up they will catch me.  At the end of the day it is a team effort of which I am only one player. 

Wouldn't it be lovely if you could purchase a can of confidence at Walgreen's for a buck and change with a free gift of positive thinking when you bought two?

Just another day in the crazy world of fair trade.

I am working.  Well technically I am eating my lunch.

See?  There's my lunch right next to my spiffy tie-dyed napkin.  Left over pizza from Linos.  The best.  I should be scarfing my lunch and getting right back out there, but I'm not.  I'm going to talk to you instead.  I'll admit it, I'm hiding.  The UPS guy just brought a shipment and I don't want to open it.  :-)  This is the view from my desk.

Just for the record, I dislike these yellow walls.  A lot.  You can see the door out to the store.  Usually it is open like this so I can hear if I'm needed, which often feels like every other minute, but not always.  Today Char is my volunteer and she can handle anything.  That desk over there used to be my desk before the big shakeup.  Now it is sort of a random work space.  In case you're wondering, those are giraffe heads on my desk.  It's not usually this big a mess.

This directly to the left of my desk...my window.  Highlights of this view are the pictures of THE most adorable child in the world and my lovely family.  Also a last look at the piece of crap printer that I'm about to go all Office Space on.  It is unaware, but it will be departing soon, though not soon enough.  Also the phone that is attached to my ear periodically all day.

My messy desk which will be straightened before I leave because I'm anal like that.

Well....I can't put it off any longer, time to take up utility blade and unpack those boxes.  May no blood be spilled. 

Hope you're having a wonderful day!

Find your mark.

Friday at work was every kind of crazy pants I can think of.  We had a semi load of merchandise that had, and I mean HAD to be unboxed, priced and put on the floor all that day because we were having a style show (my responsibility) on Saturday morning.  There was a vendor coming in to talk about winter wear (it is going to be 88 today.  Ugh) and some folks coming to interview me for a documentary about Hannah Warren and Jhoole.  I almost said no to the interview, but the interviewer assured me it would only take a few minutes.  I really have to stop believing everything I am told.

A  little background, a couple of years ago Hannah came into the shop with a box of recycled sari scarves and a story of vision.  I found this blog post in her words, which are much more eloquent than mine.  Basically, she went to  India on a photography project and fell in love with the country and its people.  She stayed awhile, founded a fair trade company to employee weavers, learned to speak Hindi, fell in love with a wonderful man who is a whole other fantastic story.....let's back up....founded a fair trade company.  I don't honestly know exactly how old Hannah is, but I do know that she hasn't seen 30 yet.   She is young and vital and SEES the world.  I embarrassed us both by choking up and handing her all the money I had in my purse.  I was/am so impressed by what Hannah has accomplished that I feel humbled in her presence.  She is honest and beautiful in a way we should all hope to be.  Below is one of the pictures she showed me that day.  You really need to go to that blog link above and read her story.  Seriously.

So, back to Friday.  Needless to say, if Hannah needed some interview footage I wasn't going t0 say no.  I was on tv a few weeks ago so I figured I had it covered.  (cue laugh track)  The film crew arrived with large camera on tripod with professional camera man.  Large furry mic with professional sound man, two huge rectangular lights and a very kind man to direct and interview.   While I tried not to completely freak out they walked around the store and chose a place to do the interview.  They set up equipment and put a mark for me on the floor.  The sound guy taped a mic to the inside front of my shirt and clipped the pack to the back of my jeans.  "Just like Dancing with the Stars", he joked.  "Two microphones?", I asked.   He smiled and nodded. I was beginning to feel just a little nauseous.

I went to the restroom, put some lipstick on and tried to make my hair not look like a curly mop and returned poised (ha) and ready.   Everyone was ready.  I stood on my mark and the sound guy adjusted the fuzzy mic to just over my head.  Then he put on headphones and sat down behind a computer screen.  Camera guy took his position and I smiled at his one exposed eye.  Andrew, the interviewer explained that I was to just speak naturally and look at him, NOT the camera.  I was to say my name and what my position at the store was.  I did.  CUT.  Look at Andrew, not the camera. Great start.

It went on like this for about a half hour.  Andrew would ask me a question and I would attempt to answer intelligently.  In my head I was saying, "We don't just live in a city or even a country, we live on a planet and we are connected to each and every person on this planet."  What came out was more like, "So, I feel that I am more of a planet than a city or eat ice cream in February out of sea shells with extra hot fudge."  Cut. Shadow on my face.  Say that again, but this time face slightly left and speak a little more slowly.  What?  Say what again?  What did I say, exactly?  I now have great respect for anyone who has any sort of job in front of a camera.  That big black circle with the flashing light is completely unnerving and the lights were like August in the Sahara.  

In the end it was acutally kind of a neat experience.  Andrew promised to edit it to make me sound intelligent, which might take a cinematic miracle, but I trust him.  Winter wear was purchased and the room was cleared of merchandise so the fashion show could take place, which, after Friday, was a piece.of.cake. 

Being filmed in any form, or speaking in front of a room of people, are not things I would easily choose to do, but I now know that I can do it without throwing up or passing out.  It's progress.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

If you follow me on facebook, this is old news; I am no longer the Dwight Shrute of JustGoods!  I have been promoted to Assistant Manager.  To keep things in perspective, it is quite possible that I was promoted because I was the only warm body that was willing to say yes, but I do have some skills and I'm excited to use them as needed. I'll be taking over the children's area, which is really exciting to me.  Books and toys and maps...oh my.  Such fun to pick things to lead children towards a global thinking future.  I will double my hours and get a tad more $$.  All in all a very good thing.  It is such an amazing thing to work in a place where the fit is so good.  I love the job, the boss (xo), the location....hooray.

August is making a mighty fine end with lovely window-open temps and bright sun. Even so, I am eagerly awaiting September 1, my unofficial beginning of the Autumn season.  I've spent this horrible summer neglecting just about everything important (except my Amazing Husband) and planning for changes to begin on Sept 1.  I will, WILL, get back to regular exercise and meditation.  June, July and August were wasted months for me and it's time to leave the lethargy behind.  However, the more exciting goal (to me) is that on Sept 1 I am going to begin actively working to fulfill a dream.  I am going to seek to be published.  I don't know how or where yet, though I'm leaning toward free-lance magazine work.  

I have to admit that I feel like those American Idol contestants that show up exclaiming how all their friends tell them what great singers they are and when they open their mouths everyone with ears cringes.  I have had some wonderful encouragement where my writing ability is concerned and I think it's time to put some action behind desire.  I have been writing privately since high school.  It's something I love to do and have some confidence that the ability is there.  I was going to keep it to myself and then spring it on everyone once I had a published copy of something (anything) in my hands, but it's a journey, and one that will take time.  This blog follows my life, and as such, will also follow the process of success or failure....or maybe something in between.  Time will tell.

The picture above is of Gareth the Gargoyle.  He sits beneath the geraniums outside our front door welcoming the positive and repelling the negative.  His sweet face always makes me happy. As Sept 1 arrives I'm going to follow Gareth's life philosophy and open my mind and heart to the positive.  The negative will just have to find some other place to dwell.  Fingers crossed and "straight on til morning".