We are having one of the most lovely fall seasons that I can remember. There have been no big storms to blow the changing leaves from the trees giving us more time to enjoy them.
So, along with all this seasonal appreciation I've been fussing and stewing about my job. As you may recall, about 3 months ago my boss had a meltdown (of which I am in a much better position to understand now that I'm doing her job) and left us with no notice. There were all sorts of negative feelings and drama attached to that departure and when the dust had cleared there are now 3 of us doing her job. I work Tues and Wed, Michelle Thurs and Fri, and Winniy Saturdays and off site sales.
One would think that two days a week is a pretty cushy situation and in theory, it is. However, it almost never is two days a week. Sometimes it's 5 or 6, or 2 with a few meetings, or just 2 with my mind working 7. It's that sort of job. The face of it is a retail store, but the heart is a not-for-profit fair trade mission that fights to end poverty and makes peace a priority. It's trying to keep our feet under us during an ugly economy where the siren song of Walmart's low (unethical) prices are nearly impossible to say no to. Giving people a place to spend their hard earned dollars responsibly and in a way that will directly affect a person's life for the better is a privilege and a responsibility not to be taken lightly. And there in lies my problem; I never take anything lightly.
As is my way, the stress of the job had me throwing emotion in all the wrong directions and being frustrated by things that are not my responsibility to be frustrated by. All last week I had this nagging feeling like I wasn't the right person for this job. It needs more of a people person; someone with more passion and energy. Someone who is willing to live the job; or basically anyone that isn't me. So much depends......and there it is. So much depends on me. What if I'm not enough?
So much depends
a red wheel
glazed with rain
beside the white
William Carlos Williams.. I love this poem. I feel like that red wheel barrow.
Fear. It was all about fear. I'm afraid I can't do this job justice, afraid I'm going to so monumentally drop the ball that it will snowball into ruin. I've never had a job with this kind of responsibility before...aside from being a mother, which I sort of rocked. :-) (I'm reasonably certain my kids will back me up on this.)
And, once I actually named it as fear, I could let it go.
Maybe I'm not the best person for this job, but I'm what they've got right now and I'm going to give it my best shot. I have a supportive board of directors and staff and I'm confident that if I trip up they will catch me. At the end of the day it is a team effort of which I am only one player.
Wouldn't it be lovely if you could purchase a can of confidence at Walgreen's for a buck and change with a free gift of positive thinking when you bought two?