Woolly Mutts

Define and conquer

We are having one of the most lovely fall seasons that I can remember.  There have been no big storms to blow the changing leaves from the trees giving us more time to enjoy them.

And the sky....the sky has offered up sunsets and storm clouds that only come around at this time of the year. 

So, along with all this seasonal appreciation I've been fussing and stewing about my job.  As you may recall, about 3 months ago my boss had a meltdown (of which I am in a much better position to understand now that I'm doing her job) and left us with no notice.  There were all sorts of negative feelings and drama attached to that departure and when the dust had cleared there are now 3 of us doing her job.  I work Tues and Wed, Michelle Thurs and Fri, and Winniy Saturdays and off site sales. 

One would think that two days a week is a pretty cushy situation and in theory, it is.  However, it almost never is two days a week.  Sometimes it's 5 or 6, or 2 with a few meetings, or just 2 with my mind working 7.  It's that sort of job.  The face of it is a retail store, but the heart is a not-for-profit fair trade mission that fights to end poverty and makes peace a priority.  It's trying to keep our feet under us during an ugly economy where the siren song of Walmart's low (unethical) prices are nearly impossible to say no to.  Giving people a place to spend their hard earned dollars responsibly and in a way that will directly affect a person's life for the better is a privilege and a responsibility not to be taken lightly.  And there in lies my problem; I never take anything lightly.

As is my way, the stress of the job had me throwing emotion in all the wrong directions and being frustrated by things that are not my responsibility to be frustrated by.  All last week I had this nagging feeling like I wasn't the right person for this job.  It needs more of a people person; someone with more passion and energy.  Someone who is willing to live the job; or basically anyone that isn't me.  So much depends......and there it is.  So much depends on me.  What if I'm not enough?

So much depends

upon

a red wheel

barrow

glazed with rain

water

beside the white

chickens.

William Carlos Williams..  I love this poem.  I feel like that red wheel barrow.

Fear.  It was all about fear.  I'm afraid I can't do this job justice, afraid I'm going to so monumentally drop the ball that it will snowball into ruin.  I've never had a job with this kind of responsibility before...aside from being a mother, which I sort of rocked. :-) (I'm reasonably certain my kids will back me up on this.) 

And, once I actually named it as fear, I could let it go.

Maybe I'm not the best person for this job, but I'm what they've got right now and I'm going to give it my best shot.  I have a supportive board of directors and staff and I'm confident that if I trip up they will catch me.  At the end of the day it is a team effort of which I am only one player. 

Wouldn't it be lovely if you could purchase a can of confidence at Walgreen's for a buck and change with a free gift of positive thinking when you bought two?

Going with your gut, even if it occasionally lies.

Above is the back parking lot of the store where I work.  The sculpture, "Peace Window" was donated and installed by a fantastic local artist, John Verl McNamara.  You should really follow the link.  His work is extraordinary.  Between the RUM (Rockford Urban Ministry) office downstairs and the Peace Man himself, Stanley Campbell, and the philosophy of creating a space to carry fair trade products where you can safely spend your money ethically, PEACE is a pretty darn big deal around here. Huge.  I admit to being slightly obsessive about peace and choosing to live a peaceful life, and this makes my time here a perfect fit.

Fact is, though, that this peaceful place is located in an urban area and once in awhile we get a customer who is feeling less than peace filled. Every seen "Harry's Law"?  Yeah, that's kind of my neighborhood and I'm no Harry.  I admit to being frightened once or twice, but nothing I can't deal with.  Last Wednesday was one of those days.  I was tested and found lacking.

It was well after 5 and I was alone in the store.  Stanley was downstairs and I wasn't concerned.  There were several folks in the store and I was already thinking about preparing to close when a couple of guys walked in.  The first was a Latino young man with the most amazing tattoos on his neck.  The other dude was white, but a little thuggy.  I said hi, they nodded, whatever.  A few minutes later the store cleared out so I went looking for them.  They were in the middle room looking at Stanleys art.  (Used art sale going on now!) 

We do not generally get many Latinos in the store.  It's a little more of an African American neighborhood and I have to say that my gut wasn't feeling very comfortable about these guys.  They hadn't done anything to make me feel threatened, but they also had not done anything to make me feel comfortable either.  Fast forward and they come up to the counter with two posters from the art sale and want to know if I would negotiate the price.  I gave Stanley a yell and he came up to talk with them.

After a couple of minutes I was reminded of two things, what a cool guy Stanley is and how you must never judge a book by its cover.  Both posters were in Spanish and Juan (Stan asked his name right away) and Stanley had a sort of fantastic conversation about Mexico and revolution, poverty, human rights....I was bowled over.  Seriously, like with a feather.  Juan with the great tattoos was clearly educated, both by some institution and, I imagine, the school of life.

Stanley did negotiate the price of the posters and when they left Juan shook Stan's hand, and mine, said they would be back, and then....at the last minute, told me that they had my back. 

Ok, so, was I right to feel a little uneasy....I think so.  A woman alone in a store with a couple of gang-like dudes would have to be pretty stupid to not be a little unhinged, but was it truly justified.  I looked at Juan and his silent partner (I call them Juan and Silent Bob) and saw possible trouble.  What I got was very polite young men who purchased some great posters....and are possibly out there telling other gangs to leave us alone....which isn't a really bad thing, right?  Unless.....see where this is going?  There isn't any clearly black and white way to deal with this sort of situation.  They dressed and acted in a way that gave off a certain vibe and I picked up on it.  Could they have done something to ease my mind...probably, but is it really their responsibility to do so? 

I have thought about this scenario over and over.  Working here, a person can't be in a fearful mindset all the time.  We/I must take each customer for how they present themselves and then go from there.  I've met some really, really great people here, and a few not so great.  I'm going to put Juan and Silent Bob in the first category until they give me reason not to.  I think that is my most peaceful choice. Maybe they will come back and I'll have a chance to get to know them better.  I hope so.

I'm going to continue to follow my gut, but maybe in future I'll include my heart and head in the conversation.