Last week was the third anniversary of my Mother's death and it passed without much fall-da-rall. Is that a word? Mom used to use it all the time. What's all the fall-da-rall? Kinda funny. Anyway, as it happens, I was evil sick from a new medication. That's a story for another day. No...you know what...I'm doing you a favor by not telling the evil medication story. It's disgusting. The point is, I was curled in a ball of misery and the day came and went. The previous day I had a lovely conversation with a good friend about how the amount of years passed doesn't seem to have much impact on the sadness accompanied. Some years are worse than others for no apparent reason.
When you have lost your parents, one or both, it puts you in a sort of club- the Orphan Adult club. We ought to have an official handshake, though the comforting hug works pretty well. When one of us says, "today is my parents death anniversary" we all say, "oh" with complete empathy. We all get it. We are grown ups and as we age we are rationally aware that we will most likely out live our parents. Still, saying goodbye to the people who have known you best is no small thing. The fellowship of the others who join you on that journey is a comfort. The kind words are a comfort. Seeing the sun set on the anniversary is a comfort. The best advice I've heard is "it is what it is and you must walk through it". Walk, run, huddle in a ball, what ever it takes. This year was better for me and I'm grateful.
Yesterday I got some news and I wanted to call my mother. Oh man, I wanted to share this news with her in the worst way. The fact that I could not pick up the phone and call her was so difficult. So, I sat down and told her anyway. I told her all about Cam and Emerson (baby bun still in the oven is to be named Emerson William and his middle name honors my mother) and everything else that I thought she would want to know. How the lilacs had been glorious, and the dandelions were especially lovely this year. Kysa got her hair highlighted and I had my nails done at the same place. Santa took care of Cam yesterday and all went well. Karl won't make it to family dinner next week because of a job meeting. All the chit chat that would have gone on four years ago, before her decline, and it was good. Not the same.....not even close....but good. I think she heard me.
To all my friends in the Adult Orphans Club, or the I've lost someine I love club, I send love. We all must walk through it-holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, sunrises, dandelions, music- all those things that stab your heart a little bit. We keep moving and stop occasionally for a hug. Hugs are good. Let me know if you ever need one. I have skills.