Still around

I apologize for the lack of recent posts.  To be honest I just haven't felt like it.  I have had a tendency of late to be a bit of an Eeyore and I didn't want to whine.  Whining is never pretty, so I opted for silence instead. 

I've had a stomach virus this past few days.  It came complete with a fever and lots of aches along with the requisite symptoms that define a stomach virus.  I'm starting to feel better.  I did sway a bit while getting a manicure this morning, but perhaps it was dehydration.  Whatever, I do feel a bit more stable now.  The thing is that while I am sure that the stomach virus was real, I think perhaps that my body is how I am expressing how sad I am.  When I can't seem to do what other normal folks do, which is cry out their sorrow, my body finds other ways....cause you know...it has to come out...all that sad.  I can't keep it forever. 

We hit the 4 month mark since my mother's death last week. I try not to keep track of things like that, but it's hard not to.  Her ashes have yet to be anywhere other than here in my room, on the floor next to me.  Her monies will not be dispersed for another 6 months or so and I'm feeling like that 4 month mark should have more to show for it.  A few steps closer to closing the door on the last details.  I must learn to become a more patient woman.

Today, though, on this rainy, chilly day that she would have hated like crazy, but I love, I think I miss her.  In fact, I know I do and the sad truth is that up until today I can tell you that I have not.  The last month of her life was so difficult for me that I have felt very little except relief at her passing.  Today, as I struggle to regain some of my old self, as I pull the beginnings of Autumn around me, I miss her and I think maybe that is a good thing.  I hope so. 

Comments

[Carie]

Oh, dear Holly, you are such a kind spirit. I completely understand the relief and the missing both. You are very much in touch with how you feel, & that is a very, very good thing. My sadness & stress are also expressed through my body, especially when huge things happen & I can't, for whatever reason, really, truly cry over them to just let them go. You will get there, with time, & lots of love. You have an amazing family & a beautiful grandbaby on the way, which will probably bring both overwhelming joy & a little bit of sadness as well. Your grandchild will know your mother through you, & your children, keeping her alive by telling stories about her & teaching her things that your mom taught you. One of my greatest sadnesses is that my boys never knew my grandfather, most of all because one of the boys is EXACTLY like him. :) Mixed joy & sadness--the sadness makes the joy that much more precious.

[wenders]

I am with Carrie... just be. No one can know how they'd handle these changes, so just live in them. I found a book called Transitions by William Bridges really helpful with other changes in my life. He makes a great case for truly experiencing a change rather than only considering the before and after. Pink light.

[KnittyLynn]

You are in my thoughts and I'm glad to 'hear' from you again.