Woolly Mutts

When the cure is worse that the problem.

I was going to begin this day with a fun post about something exciting that happened to me yesterday, and I promise I will get to that soon, but instead I think this is more important, especially for pet owners.

Yesterday afternoon I was running my hands over Samten and found a couple of wood ticks.  This is the beginning of tick season, so I wasn't surprised and I've pulled more than my share of ticks off of dogs, kids, and myself so it was no reason to freak out.  I called AH and asked him to stop at Petsmart and pick up some Frontline so we could begin doing the suggested application.  Living in a wooded area and with the dogs outside as much as they are, we've always felt it prudent to apply the flea and tick protection and  have never had any trouble or side effects on either dog.  Well, Petsmart did not have our usual brand, so AH picked up Sentry Pro XFC.  He applied it to Samten about 7:30 or so.  By 9:00 it was clear that something wasn't right.  Sam was very restless, licking the air and shaking his head like his ears were infected.  We decided it must be the Sentry so we quickly gave him a bath, with little or no effect.

Of course, as with all emergencies with pets and kids, the vet was closed so AH called the emergency vet who seemed pretty well acquainted with this sort of thing happening.  She suggested that we bathe Sam again, but this time in Dawn dishwashing liquid, so AH did.  Samten has a great many allergies, so we also gave him an antihistamine and still, he could not rest.  AH also called the number on the back of the box and got about the same information as the emergency vet.  After trying a few things it seemed that if we lay down next to Sam and stroked his head he would calm down, so AH (again with the wonderfulness) made a bed on the floor of the office and spent the night there. This morning Sam is still a little restless and still shakes his head a lot, but overall he is better.  Our vet opens at 1:00 and we'll call her and see if there is anything else we should do.  I am trying very hard not to over react, but after losing mother, the thought of losing this dog makes me walk a little on the crazy side of the street.

After doing some internet research it appears that this is a common problem with this product and other dogs have had similar reactions, or worse, including seizures and even death.  Apparently these drugs are not regulated by the FDA, but rather the EPA since they are considered pesticides.  Great.  All these years I've been poisoning our dogs.  We are so careful not to put any chemicals on our yard or gardens, but have been carelessly putting them on our dogs backs year after year.  Research also shows that the effects can be cumulative.

I think we dodged a pretty scary bullet with Sam.  He is eating, playing, wagging his tail, and showing improvement as the day goes on, but our eyes are certainly opened.  We are now researching a holistic or natural way to keep our dogs flea and tick free and suggestions are always welcome. If you're on facebook, AH has started a facebook page to raise awareness of the dangers of this product. 

Living with grief.

Well....we have done it.  We have officially said goodbye.  There were hugs and lovely words spoken and more than a few tears.  The flowers were beautiful and so were the people.(The flowers pictured above were from AH's sister and included a small, blue bird, which touched my heart.)  I have learned that people step up in the most extraordinary ways during times of grief and that you can tell the difference between the people who say, "I'm sorry for your loss" from a deep place of knowing and those that say it because they care, but don't really understand yet.  The next time I say it I will be a member of the true empathy club.  No one really wants to join that club, but membership has it privileges. 

Last night we had dinner with my kids (without Santa...she had to work...we missed you!) and spent some time talking about their relationship with their grandmother and how special it was.  Karl choked me up a bit when he spoke about how easy it was to share anything with her and how quickly the time would pass as they sat and visited.  I hope she was looking down and knows how profoundly she was loved.  I never knew any of my grandparents or experienced the magic that happens between grandparent and grandchild and am eager to be part of it when the wee one arrives in Oct, and with all that follow.  We lose one and another joins us; the circle of life, how precious it is.

So now we begin to live with grief. One thing at a time, one day at a time.  It is an odd feeling to be orphaned, to know the only person that has known you from the very beginning is gone.  There is joy, though, in knowing that there is no more pain or sadness for her, just the glory of her afterlife. 

"All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of thing will be well." Julian of Norwich

It is important to say thank you.

Please indulge for a few minutes while I say a public thank you to some extremely thank-worthy people.

Amazing Husband has once again proved that it is possible to be married to the most perfect person alive.  Over the last few weeks he has been the core of my existence.  He listens to me no matter what mangled mental workings come out of my mouth and gently helps me see a little more clearly.  He has held me while I cried, stayed right next to me during the nights, and given me space when I needed it.  He cooked for me (and I do mean COOKED, like roast and potatoes, not just frozen pizza) picked up the house, done the dishes, washed my car,  monitored my phone when I needed to rest, done laundry, come with me to doctor appointments with my mother when I needed another body to help me, stroked my hair, kissed my forehead, held my hand and given me the grace to be exactly what I needed to be during this stressful and emotional time.  He has done all this while also dealing with a stressful work schedule which has included international phone meetings at horrible times like 6:00 am or 10:00 pm that last for hours. My darling, you have gone above and beyond what could have have been expected of a husband and I am so grateful.  May I always be as perfect for you as you are for me. Te amo.

My sister Kathy (she is the one in the picture that has the same smile as I do.) is sixteen years older than I am.  She married and left home when I was 3 and moved with her family all over the US until the last 10 years or so.  During that time we have had the chance to actually get to know each other and become true friends.  Through all the drama that was Mother's end days she was next to me in person or by phone. Because my other siblings were not living in the same state when my mother made her POA and will decisions, and because she knew that I would not move away, Mom made me her legal and medical advocate.  This had to be a little difficult for my sibs, but Kathy was supportive every step of the way.  I literally cannot imagine going through the last month without her.  She encouraged me, loved me, told me she was proud of me, gave counsel when asked, and didn't make me feel like an idiot when I melted down.  It was Kathy that went and sat with Mother's body after her death because I could not. I'm not sure I could have walked with any confidence through the last days without her support.  I know that we will remain close to each other even without Mom as the catalyst.  Thank you, Kathy, for being my big sister and my friend.  I'm glad we have many more years to share together.

Trina.  This is my favorite picture of my dear, dear friend Trina.  For someone who has known so much death, she is one of the most full of life people I know and thank goodness she is my friend.  I mean, seriously, thank goodness. Trina was the first person I called to tell that Mom had passed, and honestly, she's pretty much the first person I call for any reason.  She has the gift of compassion like I can't even tell you and she has BEEN there for me in every way possible.  She has brought food, called friends, answered a million of my questions and has been the hug I always look forward to.  She and her husband Steve (who was the officiant at my daughter's wedding and will officiate at Mother's memorial service) are the kind of people that know what the words "I love you" mean and share them willingly.  Trina and I have walked together through some pretty dark places and it has made the laughter that much more precious.  Trina, you know how much I love you, honey, and thanks for just plain everything.

And again, to all of you who read and comment or email and have been so lovely the past weeks, thank you.  It's possible that I am one of the few people who does not blog to get comments.  If you've got something to say I'm thrilled to hear it, but I blog for me, as a record of my life and for its therapeutic benefits (which I find, are substantial).  That being said, the influx of comments over my loss has been wonderful and I appreciate each one.  Your kindness won't be forgotten.

Things I am learning about end-of-life.

I have had a rather blessed life in the grief department.  My grandparents all passed when I was a child and I barely knew them at all.  When my father passed about ten years ago he left all his ducks in an exact row, my mother was still alive to handle the details. I miss him,  but he was a crabby old guy and, honestly, I don't miss the crabbing.  So, my mother's death is the first time I've truly dealt with the whole death enchilada.  So many ingredients wrapped in the word "death".  Here are a few things I have learned so far:

*Every single comment, word, hug, card, flower, food offering, and phone call is significant and meaningful.  I used to think that my little offering of "I'm sorry for your loss" would get lost in the crowd of other condolences, but that could not be farther from the truth.  Even though there are hours at a time when I am positive that my brain has ceased functioning altogether, I can promise you that I will NEVER forget each and every kindness.

*You can't take it with you.  While you may pass from this life, your stuff does not.  Cleaning out all of Mother's things was really difficult for me.  My brother and sister did the majority of the work, for which I am grateful, but there are still boxes and bags in my garage that I need to go through and pitch, recycle, shred, keep.  It's hard to get closure when you still have stuff to deal with. (Note to self: CLEAN THE BASEMENT!)

*Details.....holy cow the details.  People to call, things to cancel....I've been on the phone for 2 days now and I thought we were pretty well prepared.  I wake up each day and go to sleep each night knowing that I have forgotten to deal with some important detail that is going to come back and bite me later. If your parents ask you to be their Power of Attorney and/or executor of their will, think hard about it before you answer.  It is not something to be taken lightly.

*Never underestimate the support of the funeral home.  These people have all the answers and don't be afraid to ask.  They are also kind and efficient and rather like funeral party planners.  If it needs to get done they find a way to do it. (For those local, Craig Anderson at Olson's Funeral Home is the best there is.  I'm pretty sure he has wings under his jacket.)

*Grief sneaks up on you when you least expect it.  Strange little things, for example I'm having a hard time taking all Mother's necessary documents (POA docs, insurance, medicare cards, etc) that I have been carrying around the last few weeks, out of my purse.  Rationally I know I don't need them, but maybe I will. 

*Finally (for today), every time you think you have all your ducks in a row one swims in the other direction.  As with all things in life, it's important to go with the flow.

il silenzio

My mother loved Andre Rieu. She loved the music, but also the dresses and the beauty of the orchestra.  My son played the trumpet in high school so she also had a big soft spot for trumpet players. Yesterday amongst the many email was one from Amazing Husband's sister and attached was the video below.  A beautiful performance of "Taps" that would have moved my mother to tears, as it did me.  I think it is fitting that I should share it here, today.

The details of goodbye.

For those interested, there will be a visitation for Mom on Saturday, April 25 from 1:00 - 2:30 pm at the North Main Chapel of Olson's Funeral Home.  At 2:30 that same day there will be an informal service of remembrance and celebration.  It will be led by a dear family friend and we will remember her in the informal, celebratory way she requested.  Obituary will run in the Rockford Register Star and on their website Thursday and Friday. 

A million heart felt hugs for each generous word and deed.  They mean so much.

I hope there are dandelions in heaven.

Janet Virginia Williams Garmoe  May 7, 1920 - April 19, 2009

Sleep in heavenly peace.

The angels are the ones with the wings.

Taking a suggestion from Professor Remus Lupin,(my personal favorite Harry Potter character) I have ended another difficult day with chocolate and an icy Coke.  (Diet Coke is not acceptable in this recipe for comfort.)  It's been another couple of tough ones, but mother is back at St. Anne's and after a bumpy start seems to be adjusting.  We got Hospice on board and I have to tell you that these people are angels on this earth, absolute angels.  The Hospice admission director came in with answers and immediately quieted mother with gentle words and a kiss to the forehead.  Angels, I tell you.  If ever in this situation do not hesitate to make them part of your lives.  While I stood in the hallway feeling overwhelmed and sad by how distraught mother was, the Hospice worker came and hugged me and said, "wouldn't it be awful if you didn't feel sad?"  Indeed it would be.  Little blessings in the midst of darkness.

The quest for normality.

Ah, the hum drum rhythm of day to day life is a sweet thing when normal has been turned on its head.  Since the crisis that is my mother appears to be something that will become a day-to-day thing I have decided that I must do my best to return my life to as much normal as possible to better cope with each new bump in the end-of-life road.  I am cleaning drawers and closets and moving piles of my stuff and her stuff and our stuff to places where they can be more effectively dealt with.  There is, however, KNITTING!!!!! There is nothing like needles and yarn to get life back in perspective.  I've begun another blanket for the new wee one, this time the Pinwheel Blanket (Rav page here.) using Dream in Color Classy in Beach Fog.  Super easy pattern with fun results. 

I think it's suitably gender neutral and possibly somewhat redeeming for my impulse purchase of this:

We have no idea what the gender is yet, but I could not pass up this tilli tomas pattern (#177) and 2 skeins of Flurries.  Isn't it just precious?  If this baby isn't a girl certainly there will be another that will be, right?  Tomorrow morning I get to go along to a prenatal appointment and maybe hear the heartbeat.  Can't wait to find out the gender....then the needles will fly. :-)

I guess no recent blog post will be complete without a Mother update:  this morning all siblings met at the hospital at 8:00 am armed with a page of questions for a meeting with the doctor.  After a few tense moments when we thought he was going to blow us off (Thank you Super Nurse Kristy for making this meeting possible!) he made an appearance and gave us the answers we needed to proceed from here.  No, she probably will not be any better than she is right now.  Yes, the rest of her life may be a cycle of multi organ decline where the treatment for one problem creates a new problem whose treatment creates another problem.  Yes, it is appropriate to call in Hospice.  We meet with Hospice tomorrow evening and I must say that I am feeling much more at peace.  Saying goodbye is a sad thing, but making end of life as comforting as possible is a priceless gift.  She may leave the hospital as early as tomorrow and return to St. Anne's.  One day at a time.  I know I sound like a broken record, but continued thanks for the kind words and good thoughts.  They are never taken for granted.

First Dogs

The first family have a new first dog, Bo.  He a Portuguese Water Dog and SO adorable.  I hope he brings as much love to their family as our first dog look-a-like does to ours.

Samten, Tibetan Terrier/Standard Poodle and no relation to the First Dog.  Perhaps we can get him some work as a celebrity impersonator? :-)